Individuals who quote well known people make me think that they have nothing interesting to say.
Fortunately, I never have a deficit in that area.
Getting out of treatment definitely opened my eyes to endless possibilities. Maybe the vet major isn't the best thing? Maybe writing isn't the best thing? Teaching? Shit. I'm lost again. It seems like anything concrete I had in my thoughts as future plans has completely dissipated.
But it's okay. I like it this way better.
There is an exuberance that comes with being a little lost that people, who have known about their future from the day they were potty trained, do not really experience. Well, at least I know I didn't till about recently. I always worked towards being a Vet knowing thats all I wanted to do.
Weeeeell, here are a few things I never took into account:
1. Falling in love. Oh yeah. That was something that I never really thought would happen. I thought I would marry my career. Fortunately a beautiful curly blonde haired cherub came along and stole my heart. His name is Martin. It's been 13.5 months (definitely a record).
2. Wanting to travel and document the world. Martin is a photographer, I love writing. This brings us to issue number:
2.5 I REALLY WANT TO WRITE. And possibly teach. But definitely write.
3. I am so sick of thinking FOR other people. I want to think for myself. I don't know whether I want to regurgitate books my whole life and possibly not get into vet school.
But WHAT i am trying to communicate is.. I don't care. For once. I don't CARE! I just know there's someone I want to be with and I've got mad skills at whatever I put my mind to (as long as computers aren't involved). So my grandmaster plan is:
Do everything.
Looking back I've always done that anyway. Riding Swimming Ballet (and sometimes I did all of these in ONE day because I cannot sacrifice) Debate etc etc etc. So WHY not do everything? Why have a completely steady job?
Basically, apply to grad school EVERYWHERE for everything! So for me: neuroscience, vet med, english (with an emphasis on creative writing). And see what takes me. That's what i'll do first. And then after that, i'll go back a few years later and do something else. And possibly a PHD in another one. I'm going to be a modern day superhero.
Something interesting I found out is that Khaled Hosseini (the author of a thousand splendid suns and the kite runner) is actually a physician in LA. See, he's doing it all. Except traveling. So i'll one up him. And then i'll meet him.
I have way too many good ideas and I can't just swallow them I have to find a way to execute them. So this is how i'll do it. Whether it's in research (science) or writing or whatever. But really, I feel more alive than I have in a while (we can also contribute that feeling to being in treatment) but I would like to think it's more of a spiritual awakening. I don't feel so caged. I just feel... free.
And maybe that's because i've had way too much caffeine today.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
L'arbre
People need religion,
a blind faith,
in order to feel whole.
Like jigsaw pieces,
we strive to rationalize and complete the picture painted enigma.
Grasping for truth only to return empty handed.
My faith in you,
in us,
a tree.
Roots grounded stubborn against torrent winds,
and tangled between grains of the sands of time
(turn the hourglass upside down
and watch it slowly trickle)
only to grow leaves,
swaying to the rhythm of the breeze,
to stencil streaks of chocolate cherry blossoms
across a vanilla sky.
a blind faith,
in order to feel whole.
Like jigsaw pieces,
we strive to rationalize and complete the picture painted enigma.
Grasping for truth only to return empty handed.
My faith in you,
in us,
a tree.
Roots grounded stubborn against torrent winds,
and tangled between grains of the sands of time
(turn the hourglass upside down
and watch it slowly trickle)
only to grow leaves,
swaying to the rhythm of the breeze,
to stencil streaks of chocolate cherry blossoms
across a vanilla sky.
Trapped
I am sitting
on the window sill
of the upstairs window
in a burning house
and all I can do is
Watch
on the window sill
of the upstairs window
in a burning house
and all I can do is
Watch
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sexist DJ Rant #456
I don't understand the dynamics of sexism.
Well, I do, since I choose not to use gender specific labels (i.e gf, bf), but I don't understand it in terms of music.
Looking at it this way, each female musician is associated with a male musician: Missy Elliot and Timbaland. Mary J Blige and Notorious. Yoko and John. Though Yoko is just... well... Yoko.
Anyhoo, yesterday was my test spin at Fridas (a local mexican restaurant turned dance club post 9 pm) with DJ Brook (local madison DJ who is totally awesome and teaches me as much as he can) and I spun from 10 - 12, and then 1.10-1.40am. So, when I went back up there to spin my second set (which I ANNIHILATED btw, and Marty told me so so that means I actually did well) but when I was up there, before I went on, I felt an ass grab. Ahem? That belongs to someone, sorry. But I kind of shooed whoever it was away and was rocking out by the decks (turntables) waiting for 1.10 am (it was like.. 1.07) but i felt a shoulder tap and Sir Assgrabber decided to try to kiss me and twirl me around so that my ba-donk-a-donk was grinding on his crotch. Seriously? No no honey bunches of oats, i'm not a groupie. I'm the mutha-fuckin' DJ.
I got cocky-ish. Pushed him away when I found out what he really wanted to do, and walked over to the decks and decided to tear it up.. Which I did. But the look on his face... P.r.i.c.e.l.e.s.s.
The thing about being a DJ with a Vagine is that most people try to book you for your image. I DJed a fashion show the day before in a bikini (the theme was south beach) and I realize that fashion shows are for the IMAGE so yeah I had to fit the theme but if youre going to hire me, I really hope it's for my skill and not my ta-tas (which are kind of non-existant anyway). But the problem is, I like to dress well when I go out, so yeah, you're guaranteed a well dressed DJ but please... PLEASE.. book me for my skill.. because I CAN spin.
Trying to combat this perception of looks before skill has been the hardest thing so far. I started in september. Bought my equiptment in november. And Brook had told me that i'm going to get alot of shit for being a girl aaaaaaaaand he was right.
"You just got booked because you're a girl"
"She's a girl and it distracts if she beatmatches wrong" (ahem, i barely beatmatch wrong)
and the most annoying annoying ANNOYING one
"Omg, you're so hot" Hello, would you like to comment on my spinning?????? Bitch. But thank you, really. You can thank my parents actually and hopefully get a somewhat disturbing mental image.
And no, just because I hang out with the other DJs who are all men does not mean i'm sleeping with them to get to the top. It means i'm learning from them. Sure, the men are my mentors, but that doesn't mean I am affiliated with them?? Nor am I two steps behind them. I learn from the best, they happen to be the best here.
The problem is, I think we all have the same music? Marty and I were talking about this yesterday night. He said that to warm up, I should play things people haven't heard since not many people are there early anyway. But he was talking about my mixing and how it's so much different than the generic DJ mixing style because I experiment (which is a HUGE compliment coming from him).
And the difference between me and DJ mia (oldschool 90s madison DJ) is that I am not a diva, and when I trainwreck a beatmatch on a track, I don't shake my tits.. I work on it.
Remember, a good drop is always better than a bad mix.
Well, I do, since I choose not to use gender specific labels (i.e gf, bf), but I don't understand it in terms of music.
Looking at it this way, each female musician is associated with a male musician: Missy Elliot and Timbaland. Mary J Blige and Notorious. Yoko and John. Though Yoko is just... well... Yoko.
Anyhoo, yesterday was my test spin at Fridas (a local mexican restaurant turned dance club post 9 pm) with DJ Brook (local madison DJ who is totally awesome and teaches me as much as he can) and I spun from 10 - 12, and then 1.10-1.40am. So, when I went back up there to spin my second set (which I ANNIHILATED btw, and Marty told me so so that means I actually did well) but when I was up there, before I went on, I felt an ass grab. Ahem? That belongs to someone, sorry. But I kind of shooed whoever it was away and was rocking out by the decks (turntables) waiting for 1.10 am (it was like.. 1.07) but i felt a shoulder tap and Sir Assgrabber decided to try to kiss me and twirl me around so that my ba-donk-a-donk was grinding on his crotch. Seriously? No no honey bunches of oats, i'm not a groupie. I'm the mutha-fuckin' DJ.
I got cocky-ish. Pushed him away when I found out what he really wanted to do, and walked over to the decks and decided to tear it up.. Which I did. But the look on his face... P.r.i.c.e.l.e.s.s.
The thing about being a DJ with a Vagine is that most people try to book you for your image. I DJed a fashion show the day before in a bikini (the theme was south beach) and I realize that fashion shows are for the IMAGE so yeah I had to fit the theme but if youre going to hire me, I really hope it's for my skill and not my ta-tas (which are kind of non-existant anyway). But the problem is, I like to dress well when I go out, so yeah, you're guaranteed a well dressed DJ but please... PLEASE.. book me for my skill.. because I CAN spin.
Trying to combat this perception of looks before skill has been the hardest thing so far. I started in september. Bought my equiptment in november. And Brook had told me that i'm going to get alot of shit for being a girl aaaaaaaaand he was right.
"You just got booked because you're a girl"
"She's a girl and it distracts if she beatmatches wrong" (ahem, i barely beatmatch wrong)
and the most annoying annoying ANNOYING one
"Omg, you're so hot" Hello, would you like to comment on my spinning?????? Bitch. But thank you, really. You can thank my parents actually and hopefully get a somewhat disturbing mental image.
And no, just because I hang out with the other DJs who are all men does not mean i'm sleeping with them to get to the top. It means i'm learning from them. Sure, the men are my mentors, but that doesn't mean I am affiliated with them?? Nor am I two steps behind them. I learn from the best, they happen to be the best here.
The problem is, I think we all have the same music? Marty and I were talking about this yesterday night. He said that to warm up, I should play things people haven't heard since not many people are there early anyway. But he was talking about my mixing and how it's so much different than the generic DJ mixing style because I experiment (which is a HUGE compliment coming from him).
And the difference between me and DJ mia (oldschool 90s madison DJ) is that I am not a diva, and when I trainwreck a beatmatch on a track, I don't shake my tits.. I work on it.
Remember, a good drop is always better than a bad mix.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The beginning..
Starts here.. or does it?
No. It's more like the middle at this point.
My left butt cheek is quivering. No, no one is behind me to spank me, i think it might just be sore.
I've figured out today that i'm in for a change. I'm getting tired of touching myself for erotica photos, I need something different. Something more. Something to mix it up and take me away from this before Fetishcon so I don't end up getting so bored that I decide to cop out. Some portraiture, beauty, street, antifashion. Perhaps, a black eye (Thank you, Marty) :D
I was having doubts about being able to change because I didn't know what I brought to the table. It seems like these days most photogs want tinier models with platinum or shocking hair. Marty helped me realize that once that ends up getting old, they'll want something different. He's also going to start branching out into different styles.
Shooting tomorrow with JSV Photography (http://jsvexperimental.wordpress.com) who does alot of the rigging I have in my portfolio. So we're shooting rope (i'm going to be the centrepiece of a table!) and a latex skirt I have.
I need change. It's the only thing constant.
No. It's more like the middle at this point.
My left butt cheek is quivering. No, no one is behind me to spank me, i think it might just be sore.
I've figured out today that i'm in for a change. I'm getting tired of touching myself for erotica photos, I need something different. Something more. Something to mix it up and take me away from this before Fetishcon so I don't end up getting so bored that I decide to cop out. Some portraiture, beauty, street, antifashion. Perhaps, a black eye (Thank you, Marty) :D
I was having doubts about being able to change because I didn't know what I brought to the table. It seems like these days most photogs want tinier models with platinum or shocking hair. Marty helped me realize that once that ends up getting old, they'll want something different. He's also going to start branching out into different styles.
Shooting tomorrow with JSV Photography (http://jsvexperimental.wordpress.com) who does alot of the rigging I have in my portfolio. So we're shooting rope (i'm going to be the centrepiece of a table!) and a latex skirt I have.
I need change. It's the only thing constant.
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